Tongue Fetish


The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21)

What is this crazy thing in my mouth? How can this jittery lump of pink flesh in my mouth be such a pain in the—well, a pain in the butt? You writhing worm of wrathful wrangling! You foolish flap of flapdoodle, farce, and fire! You mindless meat of mayhem and misery! You heedless hunk of halitosis!

How did my mouth get faster than my brain? Where did my tongue find the “Get out of jail FREE” card? Who would have thought that my orifice, as generous as it is, would be big enough to shelter such a huge headache!

There’s a confirmed anarchist in my mouth! It goes for the easy victory and leaves me to pay the price of its indiscretions and bald-faced insensitivities. It strikes at others but kills me with its venom! It’s a suicide machine strapped to my throat! I can’t control it! I’M DOOMED! AHHHHH!

—Okay, I feel a little better now. I’m glad I got that out of my system.

I am a wordsmith. My weapon of choice is my mouth and a keypad. With a word I can blast somebody from the sky of presumption. With a savage strike I can take out a bunker of confidence. I’m freaking dangerous. I am linguistic shock and awe. Yes, there is always some unfortunate collateral damage. Verbal napalm can scorch more than its user intends. Alas, those are the fortunes of war, the inevitable price of total oracular domination.

Of course, the downside is that those who live by the (s)word die by the (s)word. My fleeting verbal triumphs will eventually be swallowed by an infinitely superior mouth, by a strange heavenly rider on a white horse: Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. Talk about your thermonuclear repartee. Ouch.

The best strategy may be to cage that alien slab of muscle in my mouth, to keep in it line. I say best strategy because in hand-to-tongue combat, it’s my tongue that usually comes out on top. It rarely seems to run out of fuel. I wonder if this has anything to do with the “overflow of the heart” thing I read about somewhere.

But that’s a subject for another day.


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