Pie in the Sky


The faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth. (Colossians 1:5)

Maybe the coolest thing about Christianity (besides Bono) is the idea of heaven. Heaven is where God is when he’s not someplace else, which is all the time since he’s omnipresent, but since he’s always everywhere else he doesn’t exactly have to leave heaven to go there. Heaven is the control room where God runs the universe, kind of like Captain Kirk on the starship Enterprise. From heaven God launches most of his more spectacular effects like thunder, hail, lightning, brimstone, manna, and—when he’s on a roll—fire. When he’s feeling artistic he tosses up an aurora borealis or meteor shower. Most of the time he’s content with the sun, the stars, and the moon.

Heaven is also where the angels and their weird buddies live when they’re not on assignment as demon fighters or instant messengers. Most of the time they hang out around God’s throne and sing worship choruses or serve as tour guides for the rare human visitor to the precinct. There don’t seem to be many maintenance issues in heaven so between fighting and singing they’ve probably got a lot of free time.

The best part about heaven is that we get to move there when our lease down here is up. Jesus told his disciples that he was going to heaven to get the place ready for us. He didn’t say what that would entail, but it’s likely he means vacuuming, dusting, changing the sheets, and doing a little grocery shopping. The fact that it’s been almost 2000 years since Jesus left hints that there was probably a major remodel and a bunch of yard work to finish too.

I’m not sure what we’ll be doing in heaven when we get there, but I can’t imagine an endless future singing and bowing down. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure God deserves all that singing and bowing; it’s just that I already have back problems and—well, I’m hoping for a bit more variety. If he takes suggestions, I’d like him to consider a library, angelic cage fighting, demon hunting, Heaven’s Got Talent shows, and even a few outdoor cafes. It might be nice to have a quiet zone too where people can get away from all the hallelujah hubbub for a while. No matter what heaven is like, it’s a safe bet that it’ll be an upgrade from our current place.

There may be a few downsides, however. There may not be any oceans, which would be a serious bummer for beachcombers and surfers. The verdict is also out on whether pets get in. If they do, pet owners will be happy and others who prefer a pet-free environment will be disappointed if they have to deal with barking and poop on the sidewalks. If they don’t make it in, then those who love their Foo Foo or Mitsy will have to teach each other to fetch or roll over. Either way, somebody is going to be bummed. It also appears that there will be no more night. I’m not sure I’ll like that. If I can’t get a good night’s sleep in heaven, it’ll be hell and I might as well stay here.

I doubt there’s any need to worry about it, though. If God’s as good a chef as we think he is, we’ll probably get our choice of pies.


2 Responses

  1. Questions for you Fred (not that I’m expecting a response because I’m yet to see that happen):

    What motivates you to do this sarcastic and satirical spin of “our daily bread”? What’s your target audience? Is this a personal vent/release for you (which could only be true to a limited extent based on how much you’ve advertised this site) or are you actually trying to change something/someone?

  2. What about the New Heavens and the New Earth?

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