Vegetarian Hell


On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine—the best of meats and the finest of wines. (Isaiah 25:6)

Things don’t look good for Adventists as far as the Advent menu goes. Teetotallers and vegetarians alike are in for a rude awakening when the heavenly banquet hall is finally open for business. It’s going to be a booze binge carnivore carnival, and it doesn’t look like there’s going to be a veggie plate in the house.

In spite of Daniel’s demonstration that the vegan lifestyle promotes health, job opportunities, and dream assessment, God doesn’t seem at all interested in a meatless, firewater-free cuisine. Granted, God did receive grain offerings from time to time (divine roughage?), but they were like dinner rolls: a pleasant warm up to the meal’s centerpiece, a seared hunk of juicy animal flesh. What really turned God’s crank were the animal sacrifices. From pigeon breast to lamb to slabs of beef, it was a charbroiled patio party of meaty delight when the Israelites got down.

Just listen to this nearly erotic description of sacrificial protocol from Leviticus:

Moses also brought Aaron’s sons forward and put some of the blood on the lobes of their right ears, on the thumbs of their right hands and on the big toes of their right feet. Then he sprinkled blood against the altar on all sides. He took the fat, the fat tail, all the fat around the inner parts, the covering of the liver, both kidneys and their fat and the right thigh. Then from the basket of bread made without yeast, which was before the LORD, he took a cake of bread, and one made with oil, and a wafer; he put these on the fat portions and on the right thigh.

Talk about food porn. Not only do you eat the stuff, you wear it too. This is an immersive culinary experience that would make even an Episcopalian blush. All this and a placated deity to boot. Yabba dabba doo. I’ll bet the public showers were busy afterwards.

Jesus liked his wine. (The Nazarenes among us have issues with a wine-swilling savior, but there you go.) The religious choirs of his day accused him of being a drunkard. Now I seriously doubt Jesus was a sop—though a few of his sayings were obviously uttered under the influence of something. Besides, at the last supper he forswore booze until the next last supper when the whole gang will be there together. That’s already 2000 years of fermentation abstinence. No wonder we’re supposed to speed his coming; the dude’s dying for a good bottle of hooch.

So meat lovers and wine-bibbers rejoice! Your fillet draweth nigh. As the angel said, “Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!”

Teetotallers can relax. There is living water available. Vegetarians, however, are advised to bring a sack lunch.


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