Answering Machine


“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)

God knows a lot of stuff. In fact, that’s one of the prerequisites for being God. A god who can’t tell you where he left his keys is no god at all. This is what we mean by God being omniscient. There are a few other requirements for Godness too, like omnipresence and omnipotence. It’s also a good idea to be omnivorous and to have your own holy book (an omnibus) to keep track of all of your profound sayings and terrifying threats (ominous). Skill in onomatopoeia can come in handy too (see Revelation 14:2). A person who’s mastered his omni’s is well on his way to deification.

A nifty thing about our current God is that he’s really into file sharing. Unlike a lesser supreme being who might be protective of proprietary information (the Divinity Code) and might jealously guard the so-called divine mysteries (like why fools fall in love or the popularity of rap music), the Incumbent Absolute Ruler of the Universe seems positively bubbly about revealing the secrets of his privy chamber.

What those secrets are, of course, is secret, which is the very definition of secret. But it’s not like God is keeping secrets from us, only that there’s a ton of cool God stuff we dweeby humans don’t get. In fact, it not just that we don’t know the stuff, but that a lot of the stuff we don’t know can’t be known. The literal translation for this stuff is “fenced.” It’s guarded; it’s safely locked up, hidden away from cross-eyed humans, a kind of na na na na na knowledge. We’re talking serious over-the-top info here, a kind so radically wacko that we probably wouldn’t believe it even if we were told. But that’s the fun in it for God. He loves to toss mind grenades.

Which brings up the weirdest part. The Bible says that if we call to God he will tell us some of this unknowable stuff:

DWEEB: Hello? God?

GOD: Yep. Thus verily.

DWEEB: I was wondering if you’d let me in on something I don’t know.

GOD: Can you narrow that down a bit?

DWEEB: Okay. How about the whole predestination and free will thing?

GOD: Sure. You ready?

DWEEB: I think so.

GOD: Here we go. [ZZZZZZAP]

DWEEB: I still don’t get it.

GOD: Don’t worry. Neither do I exactly.

The neat thing is that God is totally into divulging. The risk is that what he divulges may or may not be humanly understandable. So be careful what you ask for. You may get a high-powered scoop that you can’t show off. And even if you do figure it out, the rest of us probably won’t get it. You’ll be stuck with a priceless chunk of data with no resale value.

Then, again, there’s always eBay.


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