Mule Train


Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people. (Deuteronomy 9:6)

First the good news. You get the land. God is going to kick out, burn out, and generally wipe out everybody who’s living there now to make room for you. He’s going to pull the ground from under the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaim, Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites, and Jebusites; and he’s going to give you—lock, stock, and barrel—their vineyards, fields, watering holes, cities, and tourist attractions. You get it all because you’ve got the El Supremo on your side. Yep. God is going to march in there and boot their heinies to kingdom come so you can waltz right in and take over the place like nobody’s business. You, after all, are the special ones, the children of Abraham, God’s favorites, the freaking Chosen People.

Too bad for the current occupants. They’ve been around here for hundreds of years, thousands maybe. They’ve settled in good, worked the land, planted grapes and grains, built houses, schools, and roads. So much for the nice library on the corner and the strip mall by the city gate. They can forget about their cattle, their sheep, and their goats. Whatever is left standing is all going to go to the new kids in town. Those who run away fast enough may be able to set up shop elsewhere (if there is an elsewhere), but that’s not your concern. If Big Daddy wants you to have their land, let him worry about them.

Those guys just happen to have the wrong god. They worship that arrogant bastard of a storm god Baal. Mr. Bravado. Mr. Orgy. (Okay, that’s one point in his favor.) Mr. Bull Crapola. Baal is such a big shot—that is until Mr. Burning Bush shows up. Yes siree bob. Baal is going to get his baals kicked big time, and anybody who voted for him is history. It definitely pays off to trim the ol’ foreskins. Ah, it’s good to be a Hebrew.

The bad news is that God doesn’t exactly have that high an opinion of you either. In fact, he seems to have a rather low opinion of you. Though you have a validated train ticket, you seem to have found a permanent place on his pain in the neck list. Truth be told, many times you have been on the verge of being history yourself. Seems you’re a pack of divine migraines, chosen boils on the Supreme Butt who more than once came that close to being lanced. You are a clutch of slow learning, selfish whiners with major ego issues. You are stubborn, pig-headed mules who are only alive because God has a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T for himself. Even Baal would have spit out your kids is disgust.

But God is a funky god. For some reason he’s developed an attachment to you. Maybe he needed the challenge of turning you into something other than an embarrassment. Maybe he needed an excuse to invent Christianity. Who knows? Maybe he’s just twisted.

So take the land and enjoy it while you can. Your lease may appear iron-clad, but you may want to look over those terms again real close. There may come a time when you’ll wish you had let the original occupants keep it.


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