Trespass on a Stick

loggersAnd the LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. (Genesis 2:9)

It was a setup, I tell you. A sting operation authorized at the highest levels of cosmic authority. We’re talking Heavensgate. We’re talking bait and switch, baby. We’re talking entrapment, for God’s sake. There is no way this thing was anything but a deliberate, calculated, pre-freaking-destined scam of the first order. All I can say is: we got royally screwed.

Let’s look at the facts. Nice garden. A man and woman fresh from the factory (belly buttons included), their little hearts pure as the driven snow. And two old-growth no-no’s stuck right smack in the middle of the picnic area. Then the Lord God tells the newly-minted humans, “You can eat anything you want except the fruit on those two trees. Yessiree. Anything you want except those two trees right over there. Those two really nice trees over there, standing all by themselves in that spotlight—those trees with the delicious fruit that grows nowhere else on the planet. Nowhere else. That fruit on those two trees over there, really special fruit. Yeah, that fruit. You can’t have any. No-siree. None of that special, one-of-a-kind fruit on those two trees over there. Nope. None. Hands off. Nada. Zippo. The fruit on those trees. Negativo. Okay. See you later. I gotta go.”

And then, like a bad B-movie, a talking serpent shows up. Are you kidding me? A talking serpent? That just happens to show up in the garden when the boss is out of town? What a coincidence. Gee, I wonder how that talking serpent got past security. Maybe they trusted him because he wasn’t wearing any shoes. So the talking serpent shows up just as the man and woman are strolling naked by those two forbidden trees, and he talks to the woman about eating from those two trees. You know, those trees in smack in the middle of the garden?

Well, even a fifth grader could write the script from here:

TALKING SNAKE: Psst. Eat the fruit.

EVE: No.

TALKING SNAKE: No really. Eat some.

EVE: Okay.

ADAM: Can I have a bite?

EVE: Sure. There’s plenty.

THE END

So the God is back in town now. The man and woman are so in trouble. God is ticked—like he didn’t know what was going to happen when he stuck those trees smack dab in the middle of the garden and points them out to the man and woman and tells them they can have everything else BUT the fruit on them. Talk about your recipe for disaster.

Now the whole Fall thing could have been averted a number of ways. 1) Don’t make humans in the first place. 100% effective, but the story would lag a bit without the main characters. 2) Pull the snake’s admission pass. Why the hell was he allowed in there in the first place? God should have seen that coming. Well, he probably did, which is a problem in itself. 3) Don’t put the stupid trees in there in the first place. Without the trees, the snake can talk his bloody head off and nobody gets hurt. 4) Let them eat from the freaking trees! Why not let them have a little knowledge and everlasting life? If they didn’t have to break rule to get it, what would be the big deal?

Well, it’s a done deal now. But I’m telling you, if I ever get to visit that Garden, I’m bringing a chain saw.

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