Earth Angels

the mask

The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. (Genesis 6:4)

What does an angel use as a pickup line? “Hey, babe. Wanna wing it?” or “Your name wouldn’t be Sarah Fim, would it?” How about “Halo there, honey” or “Take me to paradise”?

Apparently, a long time ago, the borders between heaven and earth weren’t quite as clear as they are now. The angelic dudes hung out among us humans and, when the urge took them, hooked up with human women. This is the stuff of pulp fiction. Hunky angels trolled the planet for nubile girl-flesh, and when they got lucky, took a roll in the halo. Considering an angel’s intimidating appearance, it’s not likely they got refused much. Whom does a powerful celestial being take to bed? Anybody he damn well pleases, that’s who.

There also seems to have been a more relaxed interspecies breeding policy. Not only did the angelic studs”know” (ie: hump) the human females, they also got them knocked up. A few months later and—Voilá!— out pops a brand new angel/human hybrid (an Anglican?). With their angelic genetic material, the tots grew up and up and up, and soon dominated all the ancient professional sports. They themselves were probably unable to reproduce, being, as they were, mules of the womb. Some of these big guys got really famous (mostly due to their agents) like Gilgamesh, Hercules, Achilles, and a few guys all named Bubba.

God eventually got tired of all the angelic bumping and grinding and decided to hose out the place with a flood. But not only did he wipe out the promiscuous humans and their strange kids, he also did a little tinkering with the angelic reproductive system. When Jesus showed up thousands of years later, he says that “at the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” Apparently, to insure that the whole Nephilim thing didn’t happen again, God performed a system wide vasectomy on the angels. They got neutered. The lusty, well-hung sons of God of the ancient world are now the white robed eunuchs we’ve come to know and love.

I bet it still hurts.



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