Looking a Gift Horse


He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Some gifts are more of a problem than anything else. Somebody once gave me a pair of those fuzzy dice that are supposed to hang on your rearview mirror. I’m not exactly a fuzzy dice kind of guy. I don’t drive a fuzzy dice kind of car. But there they were: a brand spanking new pair of fuzzy dice just for me. The problem with a brand spanking new pair of fuzzy dice is that they are meant to be dangling from your rearview mirror in plain view of everybody who will no doubt have a ready-made opinion of you as a fuzzy dice displayer. But if you do the smart thing and toss them in the trash or a drawer or the back of your closet, the person who gave them to you will know it. And you can be dang sure that they will look at your car every time they stop by to see if you have done the decent thing and hung those fuzzy dice where they’re supposed to be. A person who gets a pair of fuzzy dice for a gift is pretty much up a creek, painted into a corner, and stuck. (I have a sneaking suspicion that the person who gave them to me knew all this and found a perverted pleasure in the whole situation.) So I had no choice but to hang those stupid dice on my rearview mirror, and there they dangled in my face taunting me until the prescribed time for fuzzy dice hanging was over (about two months and a couple of days) after which I felt absolutely no guilt for consigning those fuzzy thorns in the flesh to the garbage can of automotive history.

So here’s God and he makes humans. But instead of leaving well enough alone, he goes ahead and crams the idea of eternity inside and ruins a perfectly good sin machine just like that. Now everybody has this sneaking suspicion that there’s more to life than eating, drinking, and being merry. This may sound like a nice idea but it really puts a crimp in the eating, drinking, and being merry activities. There you are, eating, drinking, and trying your damnedest to be merry about it and all the while there’s this nagging something going on inside you suggesting that eating, drinking, and being merry may just not be the best investment of your time (except maybe on weekends). So you end up eating, drinking, and only managing to be mostly merry about it while you’re thinking about eternity and wondering where the lions are.

But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that God puts the nagging in but doesn’t put the getting it in. This seems like a serious oversight to me. Well, maybe oversight isn’t the word. I’m guessing that God left it out on purpose to doom humanity to centuries of bad philosophy, religion, and Woodstock, which, he probably thought, would be enough to drive us half mad into salvation if it weren’t for the fact that lots of people actually liked Woodstock. All you have to do is look around to find that almost everybody has an opinion on eternity (except for this guy named Elwood I met under the bridge a while back who said he was more into cards). Some scientists think they know all about it and tell us that the concept of eternity is still around because it somehow missed the evolutionary inevitability that everything else was smart enough to adopt, and if humans all just got a bit more evolved like chimps we could imagine there’s no heaven, which some claim is easy if you try.

I do have to give God credit for actually getting eternity into the human heart in the first place. From my own personal experience, the human heart can be a pretty small place and what space there is in there is mostly taken up with things like evil, self-deception, and Facebook. That he could even squeeze out a slot for it is amazing. I’m guessing he may have used some kind of compression, which means that what eternity is in your heart is wound up tight like a garage door spring, which, as everybody knows who knows, can blow apart from time to time with a big bang and instantly make your garage door immovable. This is a pretty good metaphor for the eternity in the human heart. There you are, eating, drinking, and being merry and all the while there’s this eternity wound up tight like a garage door spring in your heart and if something accidentally touches it the wrong way (say, a Gideon’s Bible or some good dope) then BANG! goes the eternity and you’re sitting like a dead garage door on the motel bed or with friends around a bong talking about God and dying for a taco.

Fuzzy dice, man.  Fuzzy dice.


One Response

  1. Finally, someone with a sensible perspective.

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