Dis Go Inferno

turkey theology

But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare. (2 Peter 3:10)

It’s pretty simple. When time runs out the whole thing’s going to burn. All of it. Everything. The whole kit and caboodle. Torched. Flame-broiled. Smoked. Scorched. Sizzled. Kapoot. When it’s over, the entire cosmic romper room is going to look like the back end of a naked mole rat. We’re talking a clean swipe here, a flush, a colon-cleansing the likes of which has never been seen before. Compared to what’s coming, Noah’s flood will look like a light rinse; Sodom and Gomorrah will look like a picnic. We’re talking the Super Bowl of sanitation. We’re talking the butt end of the world. This is going to be the biggest, baddest conflagration in the history of history. Forget your 2K stock of canned goods. Bag your Kevlar Bible cover. Ain’t nothing going to make it standing this time around. This time the fat lady’s going to be singing her bloody head off—right up until she’s roasted like a stuck pig. This time it’s over for reals. Finished. Done. Actually, well done.

Apocalypse is written into the psyche of the human race. Nearly every culture has some concept of a cataclysmic grand finale. We all suspect that we’re in big freaking trouble. We somehow know that we’ve screwed things up so bad that even God has to start over. Ever since we got run of the Garden, we’ve been orchestrating fiasco after fiasco. Our track record is dismal. Oh, sure, we’ve had a few blips of brightness here and there—the invention of dental floss comes to mind—but overall we’ve been riding this thing into the ground.

At first the idea of a cosmic apocalypse may sound scary. After all, it’ll probably disrupt internet service for a while. But once you get past the death and destruction part, it’s really not all that bad. Think of all the crap that you’ve been putting up with: neighbors, taxes, government, terrorists, gas prices, mosquitoes, alarm clocks—they’re all going to evaporate in the infinite heat of divine wrath. Think of all those people you really hate—Osama Bin Laden, Al Franken, Jerry Falwell, Dr. Phil, Rosie O’Donnell, Justin Timberlake, George Bush, cell phone drivers—they’re all going to get it. But not only that, all the banks and credit card companies are going to blow too, which means you’ll be debt free. I’m telling you, this could work out pretty well for a lot of us.

Now, I’m not saying that the annihilation of the universe is going to be a walk in the park. I’m sure there will be some dicey things that we’re just going to have to put up with. I, for one, don’t do all that well in the heat. I get lethargic and really unproductive, so I’m guessing I won’t be writing many ODF installments until the worst is over, though I may sneak one in if I get the chance. Then there’ll be all that noise: screams, tormented shrieks, blasphemous cursing, Mexican rap music, all that weeping and gnashing of teeth stuff. I plan on looking for a quiet spot to work, but those may be pretty hard to find, especially since everything is going to be destroyed. I’m thinking of picking up a pair of those noise-cancellation headphones or a box of ear plugs.

Given the size of the universe, the “day of the Lord” may end up taking a couple of weeks. Astronomers estimate the number of stars in the universe at around 70 sextillion (that’s a 7 followed by 22 zeros), which is about 10 times as many as grains of sand on all the world’s beaches and deserts. Now, throw in the number of Walmarts and Starbucks, and you’ve got five to seven days of demolition work right there. Add in secret Miley Cyrus fans and that bumps it to nine or ten. It’ll probably take God a day and a half just to clean up New Orleans. I’m planning on fourteen days of mayhem. In case it goes longer, I’m bringing a book.

Once the new heavens and earth are put in place, things should settle down. There will probably be some initial disorientation due to changes in the global geography and television programming, but we’ll no doubt adjust quite nicely after a while. I have some good ideas for the new universe, including a shorter sin list, but I haven’t heard if God is taking suggestions yet. I expect a call any day.


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