The Great Divide


The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. (Ecclesiastes 10:2)

Oh great. This is all the Republicans need to hear. Right in the Bible, in glorious black and white, the mother of all proof texts, the scriptural sanction for smug self-righteousness, the hard-core evidence of divine approval, the mandate to beat all mandates, the ultimate affidavit of conservative superiority and inherent liberal idiocy. If the Redcoats discover this verse they’ll be more impossible to live with than they are now. It’s a Pandora’s Box of political explosives more dangerous than Sarah Palin with a 30-30.

I mean, the implications of this are too much to swallow. Are we supposed to believe that smart people naturally go Republican and idiots naturally go Democrat? Are we supposed to believe that it is a divine law that the successful head red while the losers do blue? Are lefties by definition morons? Are righties by moral predisposition the cream of the crop? Are the Democrats by default the party of the ditz and the twit? Are the Republicans the party of the rational and sensible?

And what are we going to do with the fact that Jesus himself sits on the right hand of the Father in heaven. Does this mean that Jesus is even more conservative than his dad? And what does Jesus mean when he says, “Wisdom is proved right by her actions”? Is Jesus endorsing the right-wing agenda? How about when Jesus says, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs”? Does this imply that Jesus opposes nationalized health care or government handouts? And what are we to make of Jesus’ parable of the sheep and goats? “He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father.'” And this: “He gave the right to become children of God.” This sounds like favoritism to me. Let’s not forget the crucifixion where “two robbers were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left.” Any guesses which robber won a ticket to Paradise?

And what of the poor liberals? What are we to make of this: “But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing”? And this: “When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left‘”? Or this: “Look, your house is left to you desolate”? Or this: “Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left“? Or this: “Judas left to go where he belongs”? I ask you, can the condemnation of liberal politics be more emphatic? Does this mean that Jimmy Carter is going to hell even if he is born again? Bono might as well pack it in.

This is a very disturbing revelation. I’ve put up with a lot of God’s quirks, but this blatant bias toward Republicans is completely unacceptable for a Supreme Being. He’s supposed to be the God of all people not the sugar daddy for a bunch of fat cats and moral thugs. But there it is—everywhere in the Bible.

So it turns out that Jesus is a freaking Republican after all. Even so, Democrats should not completely despair. The Father is definitely left of Jesus, even if only a little. And remember, the Father outranks the Son. So maybe, just maybe there’s a balance of power in the Godhead afterall.


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