Church Ladies


I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes. (1 Timothy 2:9)

A guy goes to church to do his weekly duty and some babe shows up with her assets on display and the whole God thing is shot to hell just like that. The guy tries to focus on the invisible and right there, in full view and broadcasting her visibility like nobody’s business, is some hot number who sucks in the guy’s attention like a black hole. There he is, doing his best to make God feel important, and this dame diverts all that religious effort toward her own decidedly more accessible glory so that the guy barely has an amen left to toss up to the Almighty. Then she has the nerve to tilt her head back, close her eyes, and whisper sweet nothings into the air like she’s freaking Saint Teresa in Ecstasy or something. For crying out loud! How’s a guy supposed to be holy in that situation?

Don’t get me wrong. Outside of church, revelatory fashion is great. It’s God’s will for men to like cleavage (Genesis 2:24 KJV) and the other parts too. Christian men all over the United States wait in eager expectation each year for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. And what guy seriously cares about the talent competition in the Miss America pageant? Listen, babes are babes and that’s all there is to it. Guys appreciate gals who make the effort to gussy themselves up a bit. It’s a Darwinian thing so there’s no use getting all uppity about it.

But not in church. No way. No how. Any chick who comes through those church doors looking like a million bucks is pretty much begging for some guy to be sent to hell. There is no way God can compete with some foxy vixen for a guy’s rapt adoration. Sure, God’s got a few good qualities, but against a pair of nice legs he’s predestined for the ash can of herstory. I mean, what does a guy care about being saved when being damned has a lot more going for it at the moment? I’m telling you, when it’s a devil in a red dress, God might as well sit back and relax for a while.

That’s why the dumpier a woman looks in church the better. Except for some deodorant, females in church should tone down their animal qualities to near zero. Bag the tight-fitting Spandex leggings; cover the distracting outlines of an attractive bosom—and no low-cut neckline please! (The bosom factor is a tittle that can make a guy feel like such a boob when he’s trying to be religious.) Cover the head with a burlap shawl or prudish bonnet. Wear baggy dresses that hang below the knees. And unless the lady has really ugly feet, they should be stuck in clunky shoes. No makeup whatsoever should be allowed, unless it’s of the radical Goth kind which makes the person resemble a corpse. (Necrophiliacs have too many issues to deal with here.) Oh, and bad teeth helps a lot.

The overall idea is to make church a safe place for a guy to go. Church should be the one place a guy can get religious, and if the females among us insist on parading their sacraments around then guys might as well just stay home and watch ESPN, which, for many, is as religious as it gets. Look. I’m not opposed to unbridled masculine lust per se. Without it the Super Bowl commercials would be mere potty breaks. But guys need all the help they can get to leave their libidos in the church parking lot. Trust me, the libidos will be waiting there when church is over.

Church ladies: do the guys a favor and remember this Sunday morning rule: If it wiggles or moves, cover it up. Afterward, of course—well, you know what guys want.


3 Responses

  1. So . . . the one-hot-mama (Hi, S!) you’re married to is staying home from church?!

    Lovin’ these daily Freds . . .

  2. Fred, you’ve outdone yourself.

  3. Golly gee

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