Endless Fruit Loop

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

The first few weeks in heaven will be a blast. New sights. New sounds. New food. New bodies. New people. But after a while the newness will probably wear off and then we’re going to have a problem. Once the promised new heaven and earth are in place, it’s unlikely there will be a redo again. What we end up with will be what we end up with. After a while, it’ll be the same sights, same sounds, same food, same bodies, same people. You know—like forever.

Anybody can put up with a little boredom for a little while. An hour and a half of it on Sunday mornings, for example, can even count as a religious experience if you’re not too particular. But if that hour and a half turned into 10,000 years . . . . Hell would seem a pleasant change of venue. Even if you actually liked church (work with me here), an endless cycle of hymns, worship choruses, sermons, offering plates, and passing the peace would be enough to make you wish you had been an atheist.

Not only that, if your host, the main attraction, is a yawner, then you’ve got major nothing brewing. It’s true that Jesus Christ is infinite, but infinite sameness isn’t much to get excited about. It’s like nothing happening, only more of it. No doubt Jesus will make a great first impression, what with the white horse and all that flaming glory; but after a few thousand years of that—well, even Spielberg would nod off. I’m guessing eventually you’d trade away 50% of eternity just to watch the lights flicker a couple of times.

Apparently this divine sameness has been the same for a long time. (Eternity is sameness with no beginning. If it started at sometime in the past that would mean sameness was something different than what came before, which would mess up the definition of sameness. It’s complicated, but trust me on this.) This everlastingly backwards sameness means that somewhere along the line it is nearly certain that boredom would happen. And where there’s boredom, trouble is sure to follow. This would explain why a full third of the angels in heaven would do something as stupid as rebelling against God. The relentless flatline of heavenly tedium finally broke them; and, though the chances of defeating an omnipotent supreme being were nill, they probably figured that the sad blip of a futile rebellion was better by far than the prospects of obedient monotony. As Milton’s Satan declared, “Better variety in hell than uniformity in heaven.” Or something like that.

I’d like to humbly suggest that Father and Son get out a little more and try some new things. Maybe they just need a little inspiration to get the divine juices flowing. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. For example, instead of spending all his time on a throne, maybe God should try an hour or so in a jacuzzi. Maybe it would do Jesus good to take a ride on a horse of a different color. How about teaching those four living creatures a different song? (They’d probably appreciate the change too.) The possibilities are endless. All it would take is a little creativity, something God used to be good at.

I’m thinking God’s about due for some change. Jesus Christ may be the same yesterday and today, but tomorrow is a new day. Mix it up, baby.


One Response

  1. Absolutely hilarious stuff, Fred! You just gotta compile ALL of your ODF’s into one published volume! Seriously… your fans demand it.

    Even though ODF is only tongue in cheek (mostly…right? ;-)) I’ll point out this obvious fact – Jesus’ “sameness” for all eternity includes his unlimited & infinite creativity, so we all know that he’ll ALWAYS be creating new & exciting for us to marvel at, wonder at, take joy in… maybe even to parody (to his delight, of course!)

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