(Take Take Take) Take Your Booty

The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys, and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man. (Numbers 31:32-35)

Back in the good old days, winning a battle had some immediate and rather attractive benefits. Unlike modern civilized warfare where soldiers are supposed to behave like gentlemen after they’ve slaughtered the other guys, the ancient winners got to grab as many assets as they could get their hands on. War was a lot more fun back then.

It’s not like it was a free-for-all, though. The armies of Israel, being God’s chosen instrument of truth, death and destruction, employed accountants to keep careful records of the plunder. These guys were so good at numbers that they usually allowed excess plunder only in multiples of a thousand. (The unfortunate extras were probably liquidated or left as a gratuity in the interests of balanced books.) Once all the extra bounty was accounted for, the boys could either move on to the next outreach crusade or head on home to show off their trophies.

But times have changed. Instead of plundering your enemy, today you have to affirm his heritage, build up his self-esteem, and send him billions of dollars so he will like you. No longer can the winning army strut triumphantly through the smoking rubble; now days you have to shuffle apologetically, hand out candy, and hope somebody doesn’t snipe you from the rear. Now days, instead of crushing your enemy, you have to identify with him; you have to feel his pain. Now days it’s not polite to act like you have military, moral, and cultural superiority over the poor sots you just stomped on.

But worse than this by far is that these days women would actually be offended at being considered war booty. These days women would be indignant to be lumped as plunder with sheep, cattle, and donkeys—even though they are generally much harder to manage than other livestock. Today’s women don’t want to be considered mere chattel; they want to be treated as though they were equal to men. Heck, they even have some men believing it.

This may be all fine and dandy for the metro culture with its pansy politics, but it has definitely put a crimp in the war department. Oh sure, we still have guys who love shooting guns and all that, but they are the kind who would just go deer hunting if there weren’t a person they could legally shoot at. But what about all the great guys who would consider serving their country if there was a chance at scoring a nice babe after leveling a village somewhere? What about them? Take the babe motivation away and all you’ve got left is duty and love of country—a pretty lame substitute if you ask me.

This is yet another example of what happens when we ignore the Bible. We moderns think we’re so sophisticated. We think that the guys in the Old Testament were so backward. But what do we have to show for it now? I’ll tell you: a bunch of women who refuse to take their place with the sheep, cattle, and donkeys, that’s what. What we’ve got now is war without decent prizes. Sheesh. No wonder war these days is hell.

Sadly, I don’t see much chance in getting back to the way it was in the good old days. Now that women can run for president there’s little hope that they’ll want to be property again. Well, I hope they’re satisfied. They sure ruined war for everybody else.


2 Responses

  1. I don’t know what to say, but I feel like I should say something.


  2. Hurrah for Thanksgiving, war, and other orthodox traditions where women ought to be relegated to our proper place!
    The kitchen, the stables…at least we can ask directions to wherever it is we’re supposed to be next in order to satisfy tradition. 🙂

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