Kudos on the Half Shell

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!'” (Matthew 25:23)

Despite my obvious genius and well cultivated self-deception, I have few illusions when it comes to my upcoming face to face with da Boss. He will probably have to honor my club card but is highly unlikely to be effusive with the praise. (I would seriously doubt his sincerity otherwise.) Frankly, I don’t expect much by the way of “Good job” at the meeting. I suppose he’ll have to come up with something by way of affirmation, but more in the way you look for ways to compliment your host’s cooking even if the dinner is crap.

So I’ve been wondering what he might tell me when I get to the front of the receiving line. Being God, he probably can’t lie, so I’m guessing he’ll have to be extremely diplomatic about it. He’ll have to affirm me without implying a wholesale approval. This could be tricky, even for him. In case he’s stumped, I’ve come up with a few possibilities:

  1. “Nice robe.”
  2. “I liked Pee Wee’s Big Adventure too.”
  3. “Can you do that monkey impression for me?”
  4. “That whole sincerity routine was really funny.”
  5. “Only you and I fully appreciate the irony of this situation.”
  6. “Come on in. We can always use a few more street sweepers.”
  7. “To be honest, you weren’t all that good at sinning either.”
  8. “Without guys like you, there’d have been nobody to die for.”
  9. “You make me look really good, dude.”
  10. “At times like this, salvation is a mystery to me too.”

I’m not expecting much. He’ll probably want me to keep a low profile up there anyhow—too much explaining to do. Truth be told, I’ll be glad just to make it past customs and immigration.

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