The Gods Must Be Lazy

Like a scarecrow in a melon patch,
their idols cannot speak;
they must be carried
because they cannot walk.
Do not fear them;
they can do no harm
nor can they do any good.

(Jeremiah 10:5)

It’s not cool to make fun of other people’s gods anymore.  It is called cultural sensitivity.  If somebody wants to worship a banana peel they can get 501(c)(3) status no problem.  These days everybody’s gods are created equal.  You can’t go around dissing some goddess just because she has big thighs.  And if somebody wants to put a statue of Dweezle the Zit God in the city park the mayor better have his lawyers handy.  This is America, after all, and we embrace diversity.  Those who preach the superiority of their deity are likely to find themselves at the butt end of a lawsuit.

As far as the boys of the Bible were concerned, those other gods are deaf, dumb, and quadriplegic.  Of course, these days we would gingerly refer to them as prayer impaired, oracle-aphasic, and transcendentally challenged.  We’d provide them with ramp access altars and special, blue manifestation zones.  We’re supposed to play nice.

The Bible is embarrassingly out of touch with modern cultural norms.  The writers of the Bible have zero respect for any god other than the Burning Bush Guy.  The Biblical prophets went out of their way to bad mouth the other gods, going so far as to call them names like Mr. Totemhead, Broad With the Big Boobs, or Pervert With the Phallus Fixation.  In one case, Elijah taunts the priests of Baal by yelling, “Hey! Where’s your god?  Maybe he’s off somewhere taking a dump!”  (The original language is very suggestive, but since this is an interdenominational, family-friendly, culturally sensitive site, I offer an approximation.)  That Elijah sure knew how to diss a deity.

Ah, those were the good old days.

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