No Pain Rogaine


When a man has lost his hair and is bald, he is clean. (Leviticus 13:40)

Leave it to the Levites to equate sanctification with hair loss. But God love ’em for it. It’s about time we paid some attention to the spiritual virtues of baldness.

The Bible’s most famous bald guy is, of course, the prophet Elisha. Elisha was a multipurpose prophet known for water and food miracles, oil manufacturing, floating axheads, and some political management . He was also extremely sensitive about his shiny head. The Bible records this telling event:

Another time, Elisha was on his way to Bethel and some little kids came out from the town and taunted him, “What’s up, baldy? Out of our way, skinhead!” Elisha turned, took one look at them, and cursed them in the name of God. Two bears charged out of the underbrush and knocked them about, ripping them limb from limb—forty-two children in all! (2 Kings 2:22-24).

Granted, Elisha might not be the best person to head up kid’s ministry, but you have to admit, the man’s got style. I’d probably have just run over the kids with a Humvee. Anyway, it’s clear from this example that baldness isn’t something you want to treat lightly. His bald head is what set Elisha apart from the flocculent rabble, and after the bear incident folks gave Elisha plenty of room on the road.

Baldness is a major religious fashion statement. In the Bible, when hairy people want to repent, they often shave their heads. This coiffure d’apologie goes well with sackcloth and ashes, and it makes cleanup a breeze. Those sporting a newly shorn scalp project an aura of religious intensity which is always fashionable during times of blight, plague, or foreign invasion. Unfortunately, these days a shaved head can also indicate lice issues or hidden tattoos. It’s a good idea to check with your religious professional before attempting public repentance.

Nothing can beat natural baldness, however, for sheer spiritual glamor. The barren pate is a sign of religious cleanness. When literate religious folks see a bald head, they know they’re in the presence of godliness. The scalp’s smooth surface also reflects light which, under the right conditions, can create a halo effect.

That baldness is a sign of religious purity is reassuring. My own head is beginning to look like a map of the shrinking rain forests. My forehead is getting higher and there’s an ozone-like hole growing on the back of my head. At this point I figure I’m about 30% sanctified, but I seem to be getting holier by the day.


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