The Incredible Hunk


My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. (Song of Solomon 5:10)

It’s nice when somebody has the hots for you. You feel different. Your personal property value skyrockets. Your mirror, if not quite your friend, isn’t nearly as hostile as it was before. Your sex appeal is no longer imaginary; it has been verified by an outside observer. Before, you were just another cog in the machine of mundanity; now you are most excellent. There’s nothing quite like the libido tango to rearrange the furniture.

Most of the time the Bible keeps sexual passion inside the tent. We are told in the King James version, quite simply, that X knew Y, and that’s that. The next thing we read is a begat. Nice PG plot summary but not much for warp and woof. The Bible’s directors tend to fade to black just when it gets interesting.

Except for the Song of Solomon. Here’s a script that takes us inside the tent of meeting with enough suggestive language to boil water. Here the babe’s body hungers for the hunk and the hunk can barely drive the chariot for desire. Here we’ve got necks and breasts galore and some things I’m not sure even I dare speculate about. It was so hot that many of the early church fathers concluded it just couldn’t be about s-s-s-sex, and so they desperately spread propaganda that it was really about God and the church. This can work only as long as you don’t actually read the Song of Solomon. I mean, how are you going to spiritualize stuff like this:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth
How handsome you are, my lover!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.

Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue.

Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”

If this is about God and the church, then I’m going to do my devotions at the adult bookstore from now on. (“Why do you call me Traci Lords and do not do what I say?”) I can already imagine the small group meetings.

Solomon may have been an idolatrous fool, but he sure knew how to write erotica (or at least star in it). And with 700 wives and 300 concubines he definitely qualifies as the Bible’s Hugh Hefner—and all this without the benefit of Viagra. Solomon is the religious playboy of the western world. What a hunk.


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