Plank Yourself Mister


For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:2)

Who says there’s no such thing as karma? The universe has its rules, and one of those rules is that what goes around comes around. If you cast your bread on the waters, it’ll get soggy. You reap what you sow.Yada yada yada. It’s the whole do unto others thing, except bigger. The scales have to be balanced somehow, and if you come up short, you’re in for some serious kaka. God may be a swell guy, but he’s also a psychotic accountant who doesn’t miss a thing. He don’t make no mistakes and he don’t take no stinking bribes.

The point here is not to live a squeaky righteous life. The point is just the opposite. Jesus knows that nobody can measure up. Even the religious prudes who don’t drink, smoke, swear, miss church, or vote Democrat are going to impress the divine referee. Anybody who slams the door on a scum bag is going to find himself standing in the back alley knee deep in stuff even the rats won’t eat.

When it comes to judging, there are two kinds of people. You’re either the guy on the raw end of a judgment club (and deserving of it too, bub) or you’re a hypocrite. Jesus doesn’t spend time dissing the folks who know they live in a latrine. The ones he goes after are the uppity religious knotheads who don’t even have the decency to know they’re uppity religious knotheads. Neither category is a great one to belong to, but if you have to choose, you’re a lot better off in the latrine. At least Jesus can throw you a rope if you want it. (You don’t have to stay in the latrine.) The uppities are dangerously close to being flushed by their own sanctity, even if they’re right—and there’s a very good chance that they are.

Look. Jesus is trying to do you a favor here. He doesn’t want you to end up on the plunger end of the God stick. He’s not saying that there aren’t things that need to be fixed. It doesn’t take a scientist to recognize the virus of stupidity; it’s everywhere. What he’s saying is that before you point out somebody’s viral transgressions make sure you can drink the backwash. If you can’t, it’s best to keep your petty insights to yourself. More than that, Jesus suggests you avoid the backwash altogether. Don’t swing the stick at all. This will definitely work in your favor when you’re standing in line at the heavenly cashier.

Always remember the Jesus rule of karma: if your poor buddy’s got a ten pound sin stone hanging around his neck, yours probably weighs in at twenty-five. Hey, maybe if you ask him, he’ll help you get yours off. When he does, you’ll probably wonder where his disappeared to.


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