Spitting into the Divine Wind (or Kamikaze for Beginners)

AngryGod

Give glory to the LORD your God before he brings the darkness, before your feet stumble on the darkening hills. You hope for light, but he will turn it to thick darkness and change it to deep gloom. (Jeremiah 13:16)

Rule numero uno: You don’t mess around with Him.

The problem with the Good Ol’ Buddy version of God is that it leaves out a really important side of his personality. For every nudge of celestial grandpappy warm fuzzy there’s a gazillion volts of maniacal crazy freaking burn your face off divine wrath exploding in a sizzling super nova arc of infinite fry power. Kum Ba Yah my asphalt; the Big Daddy is loaded with buckshot. He’s a crystal sea IED that can flip the planet like a flapjack and flick the cosmic climate from eternal summer to an arctic freeze blacker than a Cajun catfish.

Not that he’s capricious about it, mind you. (Well, maybe he is sometimes, but when he’s the guy with the flamethrower who’s going to argue details?) Most of the time God is moderately self-controlled. He seems to put up with a lot of crap before he launches the nukes. In fact, he seems pretty proud that he hasn’t done any major global damage since the Flood. When he showed his divine derriere to Moses he chanted, “Da DUDE, da DUDE, who cuts you mudballs a lot of slack, and for whom it takes a boatload of guano to tick off, who likes you dirt specks in spite of himself and holds to the deal he cut with you even though it gives him migraines.” I suppose we should be grateful that God can pull a punch as well as throw one.

But should you mess with him, you are so up a creek. He will tank your spiritual GPS, slap a blindfold on you, and set you stumbling through a minefield named stupidity. You will stub your toe-headed, flatlined soul on every thorn in the book (plus a few bonus briars he’ll throw in for free) as you bump and grind your way through a maze of discomforts, dismays, disasters, and some disses you haven’t even heard of. You will be bruised, bent, barbed, and broken. Your gyro will be junked, your map mucked, and your library card revoked.

But don’t think he would do this just for fun (maybe a little, but not only). God wields his joystick of judgment only to get your attention. If you have the dubious distinction of actually waking up and smelling the coffee, he has been known to employ reverse osmosis to purify your waste product of a life into potable living water again. You say yuck now, but when your standing neck-deep in personal pan poop, that’s damn good news.

But probably the best idea is not to push him in the first place. Remember: You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t spit into the wind. You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger. And you don’t mess around with Him.

(Ba-doo-da-doo-doo dee-dee-dee-dee dee)

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One Response

  1. I wish I read this post about 15 years ago. And took the advice. So many times have I said dumb, dumb, dumb…

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