The Other Commandments


When the LORD finished speaking to Moses on Mount Sinai, he gave him the two tablets of the Testimony, the tablets of stone inscribed by the finger of God. (Exodus 31:18)

So there’s God, the Big Kahuna, and, being King of the Universe, he’s hip to all the rules that make the world go round. He thinks it might be a good idea to publish those rules so a less than hip humanity can get a grip on divine form and function. So he calls up a guy named Moses (whom he first contacted back in the burning bush days) and proposes a new publishing deal. He, God, will write out the rules and he, Moses, will market them among the unhip Hebrew public. Moses, who knows better than to tick off an aspiring author—especially one who happens to be deity—agrees. The time and place for the transaction are settled and we’re off to the races.

Except for one little problem: God has a lot of rules. He needs to figure out how Moses is going to be able to haul them around. Since book technology in the Levant is still in the literal stone age (the first edition of the Encylopedia Hebraica weighed in at over 12,000 pounds), God has to limit his content so it will fit on two medium-sized stone tablets and still be legible to people who have not yet invented reading glasses. What to do? God has to edit the corpus of divine law down to ten major points. Later he will hand Levites a few more, but even then there will have to be a whole host of divine laws left on the cutting room floor.

So just which laws got edited out? Here’s a sampling of a few of the ones that didn’t make the cut:

Ride not thy donkey or camel without a helmet.

Bother not the LORD your God on Mondays before 8:00AM.

Neither spit nor adjust thy genitals while playing baseball.

Use deodorant.

Give not thy cattle nor thy sheep nor thy goats cute names.

Honor the LORD your God by keeping a low profile.

If a foreigner wishes to work for you, pay him under the table.

Punish corrupt leaders by reelecting them.

Do not eat blowfish.

On the thirteenth day of the seventh month in any leap year, celebrate the Feast of Breasts.

The LORD detests burnt offerings. A nice golden brown is good, however.

Wear not socks with sandals for any reason. Ever.


One Response

  1. Love this cartoon.

    I’m really bummed the socks/sandals rule got edited.

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