For Mature Audiences Only

We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. (1 Corinthians 2:6)

The trouble with treating everybody as equals is that they start believing that they are. This is, unfortunately, simply not true. A lot of people are just plain dumb. Dumb as rocks. Dumb beyond cure. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Which is a problem. Jesus wants everybody to be saved—a nice thought. Though he probably would have liked to save only smarter people, he didn’t really have a choice. As God’s representative he has to throw open the doors to anybody who wants to come in. It’s kind of like when airlines overbook a flight. They want to fill every seat but hope that the extra people won’t show so they won’t have to hand out vouchers or cash. The Bible says that Jesus died for the sins of the whole world, but he probably hopes that not everybody will actually take him up on the deal. (Yes, his promotional material says he wants everybody, but . . . well, you know.) The big difference, of course, is that, instead of vouchers, Jesus sends the extras and no-shows to hell (think Greyhound Bus). It’s a slick system, if you think about it.

But the problem happens when preachers, theologicans, and other unskilled believers try to make the Gospel accessible to everybody by dumbing down the whole holy shebang. Now, that’s maybe fine for the dumb people who need it dumbed down all the time, but it really gets on the nerves of the smart people who have to listen to that crap over and over and over (and over). It’s like you’re sitting there in church thinking to yourself, “Jesus. Can we freaking get on with it?” And then you look around the room and see all these people with big eyes and huge smiles on their faces, nodding in rapt adoration at the pastor and you think to yourself, “My God! They actually like this crap!” And for a second you wonder if you’re the one who’s missing something and so you try your best to tune in to the message but after ten seconds you conclude that your first impression is correct: these people are brain-dead.

Thankfully, the Apostle Paul tells us that there is such a thing as God 2.0 which is not intended for dumb people. Paul says that there’s some really cool God stuff that’s reserved for people who test out of remedial religion, stuff that dumb people don’t even know about. It’s kind of hard to guess exactly what he might be talking about since he doesn’t bother to elaborate (Why should he?  That’d be like asking somebody where the self-help section is.) but Paul does hint that it’s the kind of stuff that the average spiritual dork wouldn’t get. So it turns out that not all of us are created equal after all. Duh. Like I haven’t noticed.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that all dumb people can help it. As the Bible says, God distributes his gifts as he sees fit. It seems that some people are spiritual retards because God made them that way. There’s nothing they can do about it. I don’t begrudge them those vapid, completely asinine chats about God’s generic, unthreatening qualities. Besides, they already have a lot of churches to choose from so I don’t worry about them.

It’s the folks who want more advanced stuff whom I feel sorry for. They want to hear about the deep stuff, like how God is going to cinder-fry sinners in wrath grease, or what angels do on their days off, or why prayer doesn’t work anymore, or what a Christian can legitimately get away with and still stay saved. Stuff like that. But don’t hold your breath. Hardly anybody knows about that stuff anymore.

Which is why I home school myself.


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