Nonprophet Gig

Jesus said to them, “Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor.” (Mark 6:4)

There’s no place like home. It’s the one place where even the Son of God is just another mouth to feed. The Messiah? Big freaking deal. The living Word? Ah shaddup with the sermons already and bring in some firewood. King of Kings and Lord of Lords? Sure—and was it Boss of the Universe who forgot to wipe his feet off at the door? Savior of the World? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just remember to save your brothers some of that mutton, will ya? And how come Mr. Know-it-all forgot to bring home some olive oil? He can walk on water but he can’t walk across town for a few groceries? And why doesn’t he conjure up a little wine for dinner while he’s at it—or is it only at somebody else’s party he shows off? Achh! Such a son! Better a toothache than a boy with such an attitude.

And what is this you hijack the synagogue? What? So Rabbi Schlepstein is no good for you now? You learned so much since you left the carpentry business to your poor brothers? So they slave day and night making kitchen chairs while you waltz around the countryside making speeches? What is this “I am the bread of life” business anyway? So you feed 5000. Does it put bagels on our table? No, the great miracle worker shows up whenever he has time and expects room and board. So he heals the blind. Why doesn’t he do something useful and invent electricity or maybe a good can opener? And he brings his smelly friends with him too. Salt of the earth he calls them. More like rotten fish, I tell you.

And would it hurt to launder that robe once in a while? Do everybody a favor and use some soap on yourself while you’re at it. Where is it written that the Son of God has to look like a bum? And don’t forget behind the ears. Have some sense for crying out loud. Even your cousin—God rest his soul—kept his camel’s-hair combed. You should learn something from him maybe.

And what are we, Mr. Anointed One, chopped liver? You with the big brain who can quote Moses in his sleep. You don’t remember when you were toddling around here in a messy diaper? Physician change thyself. So maybe you should have a little humility when you come around. Maybe you shouldn’t be so much the big shot with all your groupies. Maybe not so much the center of the universe, Mr. Divinity in the Flesh. Oy vey. Such a boy I never heard of.

So how about you take out the garbage.


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