Foe Get It

“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)

 

en⋅e⋅my
—noun
a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.
.   .   .

Jesus does pretty well when he sticks to actual religious stuff. As long as he’s talking invisibles, he’s half-way interesting. He even does pretty well on the justice thing too, especially when he’s stomping on those stuck-up Pharisees. Those woes of his are as good as Metallica lyrics, except less spiritual. And I have to admit that he tells a good parable, though I wish they were funnier.

But when he tries to talk application he gets kind of kooky. This love your enemies thing, for example. Maybe that would work if you were living in the sixties, stoned on hashish, and listening, buck naked, to the Grateful Dead on a cheap stereo. (But then everything works when you’re doing hash.) As a practical philosophy, however, it’s doomed. Jesus is obviously tapping into some seriously good vibrations here. (I don’t begrudge him that; he had so few giddy moments.) And, as we all, know, what looks good the night before, doesn’t always have its cachet in the morning.

First of all, it is, by definition, impossible to love your enemies. Enemies are meant to be hated. That’s why you have them in the first place. It’s logically necessary that anybody you hate is your enemy. If you don’t hate them, they may be many other things, but they are definitely not an enemy. It works in reverse too. Friends are people you like. If you don’t like them, they’re not your friends. It is logically impossible to have a friend you don’t like. Logic may be superfluous when you’re tapped into the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night, but it sure comes in handy when you’re paying the bills. A hint, Jesus: next time check a dictionary before pontificating.

Another problem with all-you-need-is-love proposal is that enemies are, by nature, out to freaking kill you. You can love them all you want, but that’s not going to stop them from blowing a hole in your hookah. You see, unlike flower-power Jesus, they at least understand what an enemy is. Unfortunately, Jesus found that out a bit too late. Had he been a little less hobbit and a bit more orc he might have turned the sucker around for himself. To his credit, though, now that he’s nailed that lesson, he’s coming back with guns blazing (eyes too) to mow all the suckers down. And I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be one of the poor suckers he’s gunning for.

I guess even Jesus can’t keep up the gushy feelings for long. Eventually he’s going thermonuclear and all that love your enemy stuff is going to get incinerated along with everybody who ever messed with the dude. I’ve got no problem with that. There are a few people I’m hoping will get fried then. The upside is that when Jesus is done with the cosmic deep cleaning there won’t be any enemies left for us to have to love. So I’m guessing that Jesus didn’t mean the whole thing literally anyway.

Good thing too. What else would we do with all that enriched uranium?

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