Running on Empty

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. (Ephesians 4:17)

That’s right. Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle are airheads. The same goes for Hobbes, Locke, Hegel, Marx, Nietzsche, and Rousseau. Dimwits all. In fact, show me a great thinker and I’ll show you a burned out lightbulb. That’s what the Apostle Paul would say anyway.

See, Paul has this crazy idea that only Christians get it. He’s convinced that anybody who doesn’t buy into the Jesus thing has a broken mental transmission. For Paul, all the great thoughts of all the great pagan thinkers add up to nada, zippo, the big goose egg. It’s not that they’re stupid; they’re just useless. Take a rock. A rock can’t be stupid, but it can’t be smart either. It’s just a rock. A rock’s a rock. (Well, the analogy works for me.) Like it or not, as Paul sees it, if you aren’t in the Jesus club, your brain is vapor locked.

And this goes for the average guy on the street too. You don’t have to be a great philosopher to be clueless. All you have to be is damned to hell. This doesn’t mean that you don’t know how to make a buck or mow your lawn or do calculus. You may be an expert on politics, computer programming, or medieval literature. Shoot, if you happen to be alone right now you may be the smartest person in the room. Doesn’t matter. All that learning and expertise is as valuable as sirloin to a vegetarian.

According to Paul, the human mind is all sound and fury signifying nothing. It’s a gurgle of inert gas. Outside of the Jesus club the human mind is no more than a collection of sputtering neurons that produces copious amounts of whatever, consisting of, if not one thing, then another. As Paul sees it, the human mind is an arid swath of empty vapidity, dotted with inanities, upon a bed of flapdoodle, drizzled with asininity, and sandwiched between slices of fatuity—with a side order of curly hubris and a large vanilla mistake. This, of course, would explain some of humankind’s more dubious intellectual achievements like mind/body dualism, the Clapper, the Snuggie, logical positivism, silicon breast implants, the AMC Pacer, Pokémon, nihilism, Amway, and the Zune.

What this doesn’t explain, unfortunately, is Chia Pets.

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