Grudge Match

He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked. (Lamentations 3:9)

So you really think that you can flip off the Almighty and waltz away? Do you seriously think that you can tell the Great and Powerful Wizard to take a hike and expect smooth sailing back to Kansas? Or maybe you think you can politely ignore those grandfatherly suggestions from the Supreme Pushover as you whistle your preoccupied way down Easy Street?

Think again, bucko. We’re talking a deity who doesn’t miss a trick and takes everything personally. We’re talking about a supreme being who punishes sins down to the fourth generation. We’re talking about a dude with a long memory for slights, snubs, aspersions, and all varieties of disses, including disrespect, disregard, disdain, and that all-time favorite, disobedience. This guy keeps freaking records, for crying out loud. He’s jotted down every secret activity, every thought, every careless word—you name it and it’s in his database. There’s no such thing as whiffing the Omnivorous One. He has got you nailed to the church wall.

So it’s like he sees your dweebie attempts at existential independence, right? He watches you, sweating in your own stupidity, and yet still thinking you’ve got a life to live. And he looks at you with steely eyes and invites you to give it a shot.

Sure, God’s full of love and compassion and mercy and all those other licenses for immorality. Hell, you count on the fact that he’s going to forgive your multiple little—shall we say, indiscretions? O Most High Sugar Daddy he be. The Great I Forgive Seventy Times Seven, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

But see, he doesn’t like dealing with jackasses. Oh, I’m not talking about pagans bound for perdition; he likes them. I’m talking about jackasses, those tepid blobs of half-baked Jesus tofu who can’t seem to stay on the path of righteousness, who want to wander the globe with their own spiritual GPS. Those people bug the hell out of him. They don’t seem to understand that a human being can only go so far before he runs into a divinely planted reminder of his idiocy.

The plain truth of the matter is that nobody gets off scot-free. There is no safe walk outta there. You have to look at the Guy and tell him you’re planning to take a walk and he’s going to look back and say, “Really.” And you’re going to answer, “Uh, yeah.” And he’s going to reply, “Really.” And you’re going to have to say again, “Yeah.” And then he’s going to bend closer and say in a strangely calm voice:

Good luck with that.

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2 Responses

  1. I am laughing… but in all seriousness…this kinda stuff needs to be said… and often…great post…

    this is priceless though !

    “But see, he doesn’t like dealing with jackasses. Oh, I’m not talking about pagans bound for perdition; he likes them. I’m talking about jackasses, those tepid blobs of half-baked Jesus tofu who can’t seem to stay on the path of righteousness, who want to wander the globe with their own spiritual GPS. Those people bug the hell out of him.”

    tepid blobs of half-baked Jesus tofu?! ROFL… where do you get this stuff!

  2. I never thought of the Dirty Harry movies in a theological sense… I may have to go buy the set.

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