About that time there arose a great disturbance about the Way. (Acts 19:23)

Forget fair and balanced. The best way to create a problem is to tell people what they don’t want to hear. I, for one, don’t want the truth; I want to be affirmed. I want to be told that what I already believe is right. I don’t want sanctification; I want sanction, baby.

This is especially true of my chosen religion. I’ve got my creed nailed down cold, thank you very much, and I don’t need some hyper-religious, amino acid-headed, day-tripping chump dumping toxic exhortation on me. You can keep your Biblical proof-texts, your bleeding-heart hooey, and your dim-bulb revelations. I don’t want your version of whatever your version is a version of. I’ve got my own version of the divine script, and it reads just fine by me.

You see, instead of starting with the Bible and then promptly ignoring it like everybody else, I start with how I actually do the thing and work my way backwards. This way I end up with a creed I can really believe in. It may not be your orthodox claptrap, but at least I don’t come off as a hypocrite.

So here’s my personal religious creed. It’s damn good dogma. Oh, by the way, this is copyrighted religious material, so if you find a few items in here that you believe too, you owe me money. You think I’m gonna give this stuff away for free?

One more thing: this sounds really good if you read it out loud to the Adagio movement of Bach’s Oboe Concerto in D-minor. Go ahead and try it!

I believe in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, and in case my other gods don’t work out.

I believe nodding is an act of radical obedience.

I believe my large suburban house and two late-model cars is a sign of God’s favor.

I believe turning the other cheek is unrealistic.

I believe prayer is a pretty good theory.

I believe in secrets.

I believe in Apple, Starbucks, Honda, and the Bible—in that order.

I believe in excess well dressed.

I believe Jesus was prone to exaggeration.

I believe in minding my own freaking business.

I believe most pagans have it good.

I believe my way of life is worth the other side dying for.

I believe in being relevant.

I believe guilt is bad theology.

I believe in my neighbor’s fence.

I believe in possessions.

I believe sacrifice is Jesus’ thing.

I believe appetite is the leading of the Holy Spirit.

I believe the damned are damned for damned good reasons.

I believe that the Second Coming is a threat.

I believe God will make an exception for me.


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