The Trump Shall Sound

Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place.” (John 18:36)

Some people think Jesus would make a great president. They think that if Jesus were in control of the government everything would be hunky-dory. Personally, I think having Jesus as the president would be a total fiasco. In fact, if Jesus got himself elected as president, things would go belly up faster than you could shake a stick.

First of all, lots of the people who say they want Jesus in control are the same ones who want fewer taxes. Well, I’ve got news for them. Don’t think for one minute that Jesus would settle for a 10% flat tax. You should be so lucky. Moses might if he were president, but Jesus is no Old Testament flunky. He’s on record for something diabolically more radical: “Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.” We’re talking a 100% across-the-board, no-exemption tax rate here, folks. If Jesus were president he’d bleed us freaking dry. His plan is to yank everything from everybody. We’re talking Robin Hood on crack. Jesus makes Bernie Sanders look like Ronald Reagan.

UnknownNot only that, most of the folks who consider themselves evangelicals want a big-fist American military presence in the world. But I’ve got news for you: when it comes to a strong national defense, Jesus would be the dweebiest Commander-in-Chief of all time. Jesus is the guy who wants you to turn the other cheek. He’s the guy who tells us not to resist an evil person (seriously?). Jesus is the guy who tells macho man Peter to put his weapon away, saying: “Live by the sword, die by the sword, dude.” Get real. Do you actually want Mr. Doormat to head up the military? What’s he going to do, arm the troops with state-of-the-art humility? This guy is Dove soap through and through. China, North Korea, Russia, Iran, and all those terrorists would have a heyday with Mr. Lowly and Meek in the Oval office. Then again, they might be laughing so hard they couldn’t do anything threatening anyway.

And if you want smaller government and more individual freedoms, Jesus is definitely not your man. Jesus doesn’t want democracy; he wants absolute freaking power. Jesus wants to rule over everything. You know, King of Kings and Lord of Lords kind of stuff. You think he’d ask your advice about anything? You think he’d kiss your assets to get your vote? You think he’s interested in power-sharing? If Jesus took over it’d be his way or the highway to hell. For him, freedom’s just another word for nothing left to plunder. Jesus at the helm would mean total domination, baby. Everything in his central control. He’s the poster boy for authoritarianism if there ever was one. France’s King Louis 14 may have believed that he himself was the state, but Jesus thinks he’s the whole dang universe. By comparison, the Donald is Mahatma Gandhi in thousand dollar diapers.

Look. All I’m saying is if you’re a hand-wringing political junkie on either side of the cesspool you should be really glad that Jesus’ gig is someplace else. If he accidentally got elected (Lord forbid) or, more likely, just took over, BOTH the bleeding-heart, left-wing, progressive wackos AND the constipated, right-wing, Bible-thumping moralists would be screaming for impeachment. Even the lukewarm political centrists would be fit to spit. And you can forget term limits. We’d be stuck with the guy—like, forever.

So I’m telling you right up front: if Jesus somehow succeeded in taking over the White House, you’d all be heading to Canada where the people are refreshingly free of religious conviction and are now the momentary nouveau-darlings in DC. (You know things are weird in America when that happens.) But the Canadians are smart. There’s no way Jesus could get elected north of the 49th parallel. Besides, Jesus probably doesn’t speak French.

One consolation is that it looks like the Son of God doesn’t want the job anyway. I’m guessing he’s holding out for a seat on the Supreme Court.



2 Responses

  1. well, I guess if you love the Guy…you’ll put up with Him.

  2. Wow

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