Archive for May, 2017

You Don’t Know Nothing Probably
May 28, 2017


Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
—Psalm 139:6

“Fred would know.”


1. The triune nature of God is best described as

a) Tense due to overcrowding
b) Three men and a maybe
c) Eeny, Meeny, and Miney (no Moe)
d) A fruit salad

2. When God created the world he said

a) “Whoa, how did that happen?”
b) “I wonder if I should start over.”
c) “Smells like cheese. It is Gouda.”
d) “I told you boys, you can’t create by committee.”

3. The fact that God is spirit implies that

a) He can usually find a parking space
b) It’s impossible for him to do card tricks
c) He’s at least 40 proof
d) He ain’t got nobody

4. Which one of the following is NOT traditionally associated with God?

a) Decaf
b) Sushi
c) Costco
d) Sequins

5. Jesus was chosen as Savior of the World

a) After winning the swimsuit competition
b) Because George Clooney turned down the role
c) By a 2-1 vote in the Godhead
d) While he was off on vacation

6. The Holy Spirit

a) Was hired so that God could be a liquid, a solid, and a gas.
b) Has never been much good at theology
c) Was known early in his career as the Pretty Good Spirit
d) Is often confused with nitrous oxide

7. Because God is infinite

a) He has a difficult time finding clothes to fit
b) It’s virtually impossible to hug him
c) His recommended dose of Advil is astronomical
d) He doesn’t do tattoos

8. For some philosophers God is a necessary being because

a) There is no other way to explain celery
b) Without God there is no hope for tenure
c) Chance alone is just so iffy
d) Humans need to blame somebody

9. The famous “Problem of Evil” is best summarized as

a) How can a good God allow rap music?
b) Where’s a cab when you need one?
c) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
d) Not a problem; humans are pretty damn good at evil.

10. The “Incarnation” doctrine asserts that

a) God drives a Chevy
b) Jesus is full of himself
c) Even God needed to have his diaper changed at one time
d) Megalomania may, in certain cases, be justified

.   .   .

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